Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest and the two other dumbass books – Stieg Larrson
 
You’ve read it.  Everybody in America read it.  People at work ran up to me and shoved copies on me and told me how SUPER this book was. 
 
One of my art teachers once said that a painting was always bad for a reason.  (Hope he wasn’t talking about one of mine!)  This dog is bad for a whole hornet’s nest full of reasons.
 
Let’s start with the Infodump.  For page after page after page, Larrson shoves a load of clap down our throats.  Guess nobody mentioned not to do that in Writing School. 
 
But wait, there’s more!
 
My Favorite Hornet Dialog:
 
“Hello,” he said.
“Hello,” Blumkvist said.
 
Man you just don’t get good dialog like that every day.  You could search for days and not turn over dialog like that.  
 
More fun things that need to be pondered:
 
Fun plot points for The Girl: 
  • You try to murder your father with an axe after trying to murder him with a milk carton full of gasoline.  He has your brother shoot you and bury you alive in a scratch grave. You manage to crawl out even though you’ve been in a coma for three days under the dirt and the nurses put you in a hospital room two doors down from Daddy Dearest.  Fortunately, the Swedish CIA offs him for you.
  • Your girlfriend isn’t the least bit mad at you for getting her beat half to death and nearly killed.  She ought to be mad at Stieg because he forgot about her for 300 pages.
  • You’re able to nail your brother’s feet to the floor with a nail gun while hiding under a work bench.  You go, girl!
  • Your lawyer, a complete incompetent but Blummie’s sister so she’s cool, pulls a Perry Mason.  Sure, that happens. I could crab about this goofy courtroom scene for an hour, but I’m trying to forget. 
  • In spite of the fact that you’re a sociopath, everyone loves you and many people are willing to commit felonies on your behalf. 
  • You steal 32 billion kroner (is that like $35.78?) and hire a felon to manage your money for you.  He decides to throw in the towel after he’s only made $10 million off you.  He’s a mensch. 
  • You buy a new set of tits and that ingrate author forgets all about how HOT you look and how you’re not a skinny little bitch anymore. 
  • Your new tits feel perfectly natural. 
  • Also, you don’t recuperate from a bullet in your brain in a week or so either with absolutely no brain damage.  Just saying.

Before I read TGWKTHN I didn’t realize that Berger is the most popular name in Sweden.  I know this now because Larsson has FIVE characters named Birger/Berger.  I think I hate all of them.  The main Birger (can I be blamed for thinking about cheeseburgers every time her name is mentioned?) single-handedly brings down that nasty old boy conservative newspaper for making toilets with slave labor in Vietnam!  Damn and I thought we lost that war. 

Speaking of Birger, it’s good to know the Swedes are still into that whole open marriage thing just like the 60s! and Birger can cheat on her husband all she likes with that Love Monkey Blumkvist.  Cause he’s 50 something and he’s still hawt.  Sure.

Birger has a secret stash video of herself getting banged by her husband and another guy. Was that VHS or Beta?  Not to mention some slutty photos.  All of which she keeps lying around in a dresser drawer.  Huh.  But it’s okay cuz the guy who steals them doesn’t get around to putting them on the internet.  Huh.

Then, there’s the moron Blumkvist.  In spite of having deep emotional relationships with The Girl (he’s such a fab lover that she forgets all about her girlfriend and goes hetero) and with Birger (Sex is very important to Birger!), Blumkvist finds another woman to sleep with and, he falls in love!  Big Hearted Birger decides that she won’t mess up his new love affair by continuing her own shabby adulterous shackup with the guy even though Blumkvist, like sex, is So Important To Her!  What a woman.  And Blumkvist is So Sexy!  Why can’t he be bald and fat like other men his age?  Jerk.

There’s a character named Jerker.  Is that where the word Jerk comes from?

The title may very well be the best thing about this book.